FREE IDEAS is a concept that Gordon Meier and I came up with when we were both in an Artist’s Concetration Camp in TriBeCa, NYC, back in the day. Here are some ideas that I’ve come up with that I may or may not get around to doing, so in the meantime, help yourself.  Sure, some of them are out there, the best ones.  Of course, some of them could also be pretty expensive to do (#4, 6 and 7) so forget them. Let me know and I’ll remove it if you or I start on one of the ideas.  REMEMBER, your next big idea could be mine, of course, so could your next stupid one.

1.  SHROUD OF TURIN FITTED SHEET SET.  I’ve been talking about this one for so long that somebody might already have done this one.  I was thinking of maybe doing it with photo silk screen, but a good painter or supernatural being should be able to pull it off and you probably really only need to do a prototype anyway.
Gordon remembers a Shroud of Turin Beach Towel “somehow dyed with a photo sensitive or temperature sensitive material  . . . that would leave your own image on the towel . . . or maybe it was just a copy of the Shroud that showed up after being in the sun.”  Kind of like Jesus is in all of us, huh?

2.  “HEAVIER THAN AIR” KITES.  A series of kites of really heavy objects like an anvil, a locomotive, a car,  an elephant, etc.

3.  INAPPROPRIATE HUMMELS.  Those cute figurines doing unspeakable things.  Gravedigger Hummel, Hummel Autopsy, Robot Attack, Lee Harvey Hummel, John Wilkes Hummel.  And then there’s the sex and drugs. 

4.  GENERIC BASEBALL TEAM.  White uniforms, “TEAM” on front of jerseys, bar codes on back, they play at the Stadium in the City.

5.  GENERIC NASCAR.  White car, bar code number, sponsors like Corn, Cigarettes, Military.  I was thinking of just using a model, but a real car would be so much better.

6.  BIBLE THEMED CASINO.  Try the Last Supper Buffet.

7.  FUND THE PROFESSIONAL PRINTING OF THE TAROT D’COOPERSTOWN.  Some one with a little extra money should help Jim and I get this deck and game out          DONE Thanks Jim!

8.  NOW BATTING, DAMIEN HIRST.  Since you can’t put an actual baseball player in a tank of formaldehyde, how about a team mascot, or at least the costume.

9.  10 GREATEST BAND NAMES I DON’T THINK ANYONE IS USING.   You can use these for Band Names, Choral Groups, Glee Clubs, Secret Fraternal Organizations or Brotherhoods, whatever.
             Cascade of Violence
        Bono Nuecleosis (Tribute Band)                    Pie Festival
        Shogun Cheerleader                                      Carnival Seance
        The News Anchors                                         Voodoo Buddha
        Vampire Jesus                                                Bad Groomers
        The Intestines                                                 Rowdy Grubs
        Crumple                                                          Planned Adolescence
        Beverly Hills Poverty Billies                            Paranormal Romance
        Pavlov’s Jazz                                                  LEATHER ‘N’ ONIONS

10. A WEEPING PORTRAIT OF PETE ROSE - I’m talking technical here.  Waterproof paint and substrate, tiny motors or pumps that would keep water pulsating from his eyes in a random pattern.  OK, now do you forgive him and let him into the Hall of Fame?

11.  THE GIANT GARDEN GNOME -  Minimum 15 feet high (not including hat).  For a Farm.  The larger the farm, the larger the gnome.  Nickname:  Monsanto.  Hey, maybe Jeff Koons already did this one.  If so, try making it yourself instead of having a bunch of “hired brushes” do it for you.

12.  HERE’S ANOTHER NASCAR ONE.  A “religious” NASCAR.  The decoration would look like an illuminated manuscript.  Maybe the Vatican can sponsor a racing team.

13.  AND ANOTHER CASINO ONE.  How about a medically themed casino?  Think of the games of chance.  Oh, and by the way, while we’re on the subject of casinos and “themes”, anybody, except David Rockwell and Associates, can use these ideas.  I mean after seeing the work that they did on that Oscar  telecast, I’d really rather not be associated with them (again).

14.  A NIGHT AT THE OPERA.  Someone should stage the opera from the Marx Brother’s  A Night At The Opera just as the audience in the movie would have seen it.  They’d see Harpo and Chico (or rather actors portraying them) on stage and hear and see “Groucho” in the audience disrupting the opera.  Even plant somebody in the audience to throw an apple at Lassparri near the end.  Do it on Broadway or something for a set number of performances, It would get expensive with Harpo tearing up the scenery every performance.  It would be avant garde and pop culture, something for everyone.  Maybe not opera lovers.  And you could give me some money, if it makes any.

15.  THE GRAND UNIFIED FIELD THEORY OF MASCOTS - Part One -  I think that all famous / successful artists should employ mascots just like sports teams.  Like Damien Hirst can have a guy dressed in a shark costume appear with him at functions, whip up the crowd before he makes an appearence.  He could heckle him or play straight man, maybe that should be up to the artist.  Jeff Koons could have a guy dressed as a roll of money, Julian Schnabel could have a broken plate costumed “Yes Man”.  Maybe Jenny Holzer’s could be covered with letters, or pithy sayings.  That could be a relatively cheap costume, like a t-shirt maybe.  That’s about the extent of my knowledge of current famous artists (or shrimp dishes).  Oh, and by the way, if you’re going to have an assistant or army of assistants that actually do the work, you should provide them with snazzy uniforms, kind of like doormen or bell hops.  It’ll make them feel better about themselves and they’ll probably complain a whole lot less about what an asshole you are.  And you could pay them more.        Part Two - In the future, I think that all professional athletes will or should have their own personal mascots, not just relying on a team mascot.  It could have something to do with the team or focus on one of the player’s flamboyant eccentricities.  But why stop at sports.  Politicians are tailor made for mascots.  I could just see a guy in a hillbilly costume shooting off a rifle, carrying a jug of white lightnin’ and whooping it up every time Mitch McConnell opens his mouth.  John Boner (pronounced Bayner) can have an underling in a hard shell Buckeye costume (Ohio) with no eyeholes.  Or a guy in a Grumpy costume could accompany John McCain everywhere.  Of course, he’d have to work out the rights with Disney.   Wow, this white on black type really hurts your eyes.                Stay tuned for more bitter updates.

16.  A GRAY TELETUBBY -  Based on me.  Named Bah -Bah.  Bushy gray/white moustache and beard.  Kind of grumpy, but tells the kids like it is.  Antenna in the shape if a hand with an upraised middle finger.

17.  A DAY WITHOUT ART -  Here’s one of those conceptual pieces.  What gets cut first when people want to cut spending?  The Arts.  Well, show them what things would be like without the awful arts.  Hand out black opaque goggles and earplugs with the date of the event on them and let them all wander around blindly and hopefully out into traffic where they would be mowed down by both participants (the goggled showing what life would be like without signs designed by artists or at least semi artists) and non participants who would gleefully mow down participants in an art piece.  Nice people.  But it might give people an idea of what life would be like without the arts, no color, no design (intelligent or not so bright), no music,  no drama, no nothing, no fun, my babe.

18.  O.K., let ‘em teach intelligent design/creationism in public schools.  Just as soon as every church hires an accredited science teacher to teach evolution and geology in church.  How about giving equal time to other religions, too.  C’mon.  Whadd’ya, chicken?

19.  FALL OLYMPICS  -  This was Ivy’s idea and then the three of us pitched in on the events, like, Leaf Raking, Leaf Blowing, Leaf Diving, Pumpkin Carving, Trick or Treating, Apple Bobbing and School Shopping.  Can you come up with others?  Oh, and since OLYMPICS = MONEY, send us way too much for this one, Mitt.

20. SHAPED TIES - Another one of Ivy’s.  Wiggle/Swirly, Zig Zag, 3D!  And how about weather front ties for TV Meteorologists (or weather buffs).  Tornado ties.  Snakes, lizards, ferrets.

21.  GUERNICA PLUSH TOY SERIES  -  Soft plush toys based on Picasso’s Guernica.  Screaming horse, crying woman and dead child, bull, dismembered arm holding broken knife.  All in beautiful black and white.  Of course, lots of Picasso’s would make great huggable toys.  Wouldn’t it be sweet to see little Tommy or Sally clutching one of the Demoiselles d’Avignon.  Good luck getting the rights from his estate or museums.

22. THE NEXT DISNEY CLASSIC -  I don’t usually offer my ideas to a group like Disney, but since they are so good at bringing us their mangled versions of classics, for their next 3D computer animated cutsey thing they should do their very own remake of Un Chein Andalou.  Lets laugh until we wet ourselves at the goofy antics of  Dead Donkey and his friends.  How about a Singing Eye Ball scene.  While we’re remaking movies, somebody should redo L’Age D’Or starring Mel Gibson as main character, the guy with the moustache (played by Gaston Modot in the original), who shot the kid.

23.  WHATEVER HAPPENED TO EQUESTRIAN STATUARY?  -  I guess people got bored with all those guys on horse back.  That and the invention of the automobile.  How about a new age of “equestrian” statues, but spice ‘em up with a little variety.  Have the horse riding on the guy’s shoulders or a guy cleaning up behind the horse.  Substitute a rhino for the horse, or any number of other animals: great dane, hog, tyrannosaurus rex.  Impaled on a rhino horn, putting their head in a lion’s jaws, being eaten by a hog or a t-rex.  On a skateboard, waving from the sun roof of a limo.  This is starting to sound a little like a Dr. Suess book.

24.  THE DISNEY ANIMATRONIC HALL OF DEITIES.  -  They could have “life” like versions of Jesus, Buddha, Hindu, Greek and Egyptian Gods.  No Allah, thats a touchy one.  Jesus could be the M.C. since its kind of his home turf.  He could introduce the others and roll his eyes and shake his head at the antics of Zeus.  Lightning bolts and other spectacular special effects.  I’d brave Florida just to see it.  I think that Disney should cough up some pesos for this one, I mean it seems like I’m coming up with a lot of ideas for the Happy Mouse King.  Actually, Ivy and I came up with this one, so send two checks.  Maybe split 60/40.



AND SPEAKING OF TASTELESS, A 9/11 LEGGO SET  An idea whose time came and went with the 10th anniversary, if it was actually here in the first place.

“BOBBLE” INJURIES OR VOODOO GIVEAWAY NIGHTS AT BASEBALL STADIUMS.  I could see a leg attached at the knee with a spring, wiggling madly back and forth.  Why not (black) magically help along an opposing superstar to the injury list.  Can I get a chant of “TORN LIGAMENT” from the stands!

 WORLD GOLF.  This is actually a very old idea, which, due to the fact that I’ve never                            been and never will be wealthy, I haven’t been able to realize.  So maybe since Mitt is out of a job, he might want to bend his energies and considerable bank account to this project.  Ready, . . . a golf course based on the world / globe / earth.  This came from a video game at Sill’s Tavern in West View that gave me the idea of hitting the ball and seeing it go over the horizon.  I started a model on a globe (that I still have).  Of course, using the entire planet probably isn’t practical or feasible, unless maybe if you are a god (I guess that’s where Mitt comes in), so I brought it down to my level, as a miniature golf course.  Then you could have all kinds of cool cultural landmarks, wind mills, St Peter’s, the Great Wall, etc.  But one of the features about the globe that I thought was nice were all the sand traps around the world, the Sahara, the Gobi Desert, etc. which don’t really work on a miniature golf course level.  So, if we have a lot of funds available, why not make a full scale 18 hole country club type course. It could be done on a polar projection maybe.  The oceans (lakes) would be so large that they would have waves and you could still have all those cultural landmarks dotting the course.  Hell, I’d learn to play golf just so I could use it.  If someone can afford it, maybe send me some G’s or hire me on as a consultant.

 NEW TV SHOW.  Instead of Criminal Minds, how about Artistic Minds.  A Behavioral Unit    goes around finding bad art and removing it from the cultural stream.  I could be on the      first show!

THE GRAND THEFT ART EXHIBIT.   I came up with this one with Nate Spak.  We      thought that people could buy tickets to the opening, and at some point during the 
      proceedings, they can grab something off of the wall and run!

A HOOKAH BACKPACK and/or A HOOKAH HAT.  For those who want to enjoy smoking                                                a blend of tobacco and fruit and possibly something else while maybe enjoying a bike ride.

WAITING.  A full scale mock up of an elevator door in a Gallery or Museum with a sign                                 
    that says something like, “Exhibition continues on 3rd Floor.” Only problem is isn’t a real         
    elevator.  The lights blink, etc. and people wait, and wait, and wait . . .

TAROT DECK IDEAS.  1) Tarot of Guns or Weapons.  2)Grateful Dead Tarot, some rabid fan probably has already done this one, with cards based on songs and characters in songs.  Oh, and I always wanted to Baseballize the Ryder-Waite deck.  Stay tuned for more!

35. LAUGH TRACK FOR THE EVENING NEWS.   A good programer could come up with                                                                        some  software to add laughter based on the cadence of the newsreader.